My list of people I’ve had to unfollow on Facebook grows and grows as more people decide to reproduce. I’m not unfollowing them BECAUSE they are reproducing. I’m unfollowing them because of the manner in which they decide to reproduce publicly. I sound like a bitter hag but I must express my absolute excitement over one day procreating and having a little mini Loch Jess or mini Mr. Loch Jess Jr. But the more posts I see, the more I am fully determined to go nine months without publicly displaying myself to the world and acting as though I’m the only pregnant woman in history. It’s never just one person…it’s the 15 other baby posts that are exactly the same that I see day in and day out. Here is my list of baby posts I hate, which is basically all of them.
I. Calling Your Dog The Official “Toy Tester”
I’d rather just see pics of your dog. And I hope you sanitize the shit out of those toys. If you’re pregnant, cool. But don’t announce it with your dog. It’s becoming generic.
II. Gender Reveal Parties
I loved gender reveal parties way back when they started like six years ago. Now, EVERYONE does them to the point where we are burning down the wilderness because of a “Gender Reveal Gone Wrong” party. Keep it simple and have the bakery make you a cake filling in either pink or blue. Enough of the fireworks and near-death-experiences just to find out the sex of your baby.
Also, side note. It should really be called Sex Reveal Parties – although I can see why that might make invitees confused and show up thinking they are attending an orgy.
III. “____ Months Along and My Baby Is The Size of a Melon!”
I didn’t realize I was taking Sex Ed again. Please don’t update us every two weeks that you are now 23 weeks pregnant, and you are now 25 weeks pregnant, and you are now 27 weeks pregnant. I’m aware time is moving and your belly is growing, which is supposed to happen. It’s how pregnancy works.
IV. Calendar Blankets
Now that your baby is born, time to whip out the calendar blankets to once again keep me updated on your baby week by week.
“Can’t believe it’s been a week. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?” Girl…it’s been a week. Calm ya tits. I’m happy for you, honestly. I’m sure creating life is just as magical as everyone says it is. But please refrain from writing posts like, “Today marks exactly three weeks since I gave birth to this beautiful prince….” and then dive into your birth story. Three weeks is not really a milestone for the average person. Please share this story on their 1st birthday, when it makes the most sense.
V. Calling Your Baby a Prince or Princess
I know one girl in particular who posts about her baby 17 times a day and calls her “My little princess”. I can’t.
VI. Letting Us Know Your Baby Has Learned Basic Human Functions
As a parent, it’s normal to praise your child and get excited when they learn to roll over, or take their first step, or take that nibble of solid food for the first time. I was a nanny…I understand. You jump up and down with joy. But the monthly updates like, “Hi, my name is Carl Jr. I can now sit up on my own, and my favorite food is sweet potato, even though I enjoy spitting it back up and then giggling at mommy.” Call me a heartless bitch…but I don’t care. To be fair, these are mostly people who I don’t keep track of on Facebook so the random smack of baby photos with updates on their basic human abilities tends to bore me.
VII. I Don’t Need To See Their Poop
I knew a girl who actually posted a pic of her baby’s explosive diarrhea.
And the caption was like “#MommyProblems”.
GOOD LORD. Your kid took a shit!?! You’re right! #MOMMYPROBLEMS.
Please share some of your least favorite baby posts of all time. What kind of pregnant mom do you strive to be? My goals are to give birth and have people comment, “OH EM GEE! You were pregnant!? Why didn’t I know this???” Because I’m stealthy.
Also, praise all those moms out there who only post every once in a while funny pics of their kids with hilarious captions. I salute you.