My list of people I’ve had to unfollow on Facebook grows and grows as more people decide to reproduce. I’m not unfollowing them BECAUSE they are reproducing. I’m unfollowing them because of the manner in which they decide to reproduce publicly. I sound like a bitter hag but I must express my absolute excitement over one day procreating and having a little mini Loch Jess or mini Mr. Loch Jess Jr. But the more posts I see, the more I am fully determined to go nine months without publicly displaying myself to the world and acting as though I’m the only pregnant woman in history. It’s never just one person…it’s the 15 other baby posts that are exactly the same that I see day in and day out. Here is my list of baby posts I hate, which is basically all of them.
I. Calling Your Dog The Official “Toy Tester”
I’d rather just see pics of your dog. And I hope you sanitize the shit out of those toys. If you’re pregnant, cool. But don’t announce it with your dog. It’s becoming generic.

II. Gender Reveal Parties
I loved gender reveal parties way back when they started like six years ago. Now, EVERYONE does them to the point where we are burning down the wilderness because of a “Gender Reveal Gone Wrong” party. Keep it simple and have the bakery make you a cake filling in either pink or blue. Enough of the fireworks and near-death-experiences just to find out the sex of your baby.
Also, side note. It should really be called Sex Reveal Parties – although I can see why that might make invitees confused and show up thinking they are attending an orgy.

III. “____ Months Along and My Baby Is The Size of a Melon!”
I didn’t realize I was taking Sex Ed again. Please don’t update us every two weeks that you are now 23 weeks pregnant, and you are now 25 weeks pregnant, and you are now 27 weeks pregnant. I’m aware time is moving and your belly is growing, which is supposed to happen. It’s how pregnancy works.

IV. Calendar Blankets
Now that your baby is born, time to whip out the calendar blankets to once again keep me updated on your baby week by week.
“Can’t believe it’s been a week. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?” Girl…it’s been a week. Calm ya tits. I’m happy for you, honestly. I’m sure creating life is just as magical as everyone says it is. But please refrain from writing posts like, “Today marks exactly three weeks since I gave birth to this beautiful prince….” and then dive into your birth story. Three weeks is not really a milestone for the average person. Please share this story on their 1st birthday, when it makes the most sense.

V. Calling Your Baby a Prince or Princess
I know one girl in particular who posts about her baby 17 times a day and calls her “My little princess”. I can’t.

VI. Letting Us Know Your Baby Has Learned Basic Human Functions
As a parent, it’s normal to praise your child and get excited when they learn to roll over, or take their first step, or take that nibble of solid food for the first time. I was a nanny…I understand. You jump up and down with joy. But the monthly updates like, “Hi, my name is Carl Jr. I can now sit up on my own, and my favorite food is sweet potato, even though I enjoy spitting it back up and then giggling at mommy.” Call me a heartless bitch…but I don’t care. To be fair, these are mostly people who I don’t keep track of on Facebook so the random smack of baby photos with updates on their basic human abilities tends to bore me.

VII. I Don’t Need To See Their Poop
I knew a girl who actually posted a pic of her baby’s explosive diarrhea.
Why.
And the caption was like “#MommyProblems”.
GOOD LORD. Your kid took a shit!?! You’re right! #MOMMYPROBLEMS.

Please share some of your least favorite baby posts of all time. What kind of pregnant mom do you strive to be? My goals are to give birth and have people comment, “OH EM GEE! You were pregnant!? Why didn’t I know this???” Because I’m stealthy.
Also, praise all those moms out there who only post every once in a while funny pics of their kids with hilarious captions. I salute you.

I 100% agree with you on all of these. Like I’m fine with seeing cute pictures of the baby every once in a while after it’s out in the world, but leading up to the birth, it can get excessive.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely. They are hungry for the attention. I also forgot to add those posts that ask “Any moms out there also experience severe headaches and nausea?” Ummmm yeah…usually all of them. Cause you’re pregnant.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh dear lawd where do I start? Just an a FYI, my boys are all adults now, two in their 30’s and one in his mid 20’s. So since the conception of social media I’ve seen baby poop to OMG, they/it/he/she got their first tooth. Big woop, their going to get more, and lose those and get braces and shit.
But what hate the most, it watching parents posting pictures or videos of their kids having temper tantrums or emotional meltdown and then explaining that they won’t discipline them, they let them “act out” their emotions. Yeah ok, not everyone is going to like it, enjoy it or be supportive of it. I don’t want to see your snotty kid act like a mini douche in public, annoying everyone around them except for maybe you. Ugh, so annoying!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha I like your style. I have that same reaction like, “Okay…and I care why?” And then I feel like an ass and then I remind myself that they’re the asses assuming I actually care. It’s a vicious cycle, really.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Agreed, they lure you in and then we have that, meh attitude. But it keeps going and going. I don’t bother anymore, I’m all like “I have adult children, I’m no longer interested in organic, homemade baby food or matching outfits” ugh.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh man, this was great. Have you seen the ones where the couple is expecting their second child, so they have their first child (who is like 2) hold up a chalkboard that says “I’m gonna have a sister/brother”. WHY? By Child 3 I expect a whole family tree.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha I hate those posts too. I would say 1 out of 25 baby posts each day actually entertains me and makes me laugh.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hate the professional photos where they wrap their bare pregnancy bellies in flower garlands & stuff lol.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL I hate those too! It looks so weird. I blame Beyonce for that one.
LikeLike
Lol! It really does look so weird. I forgot Beyonce started it. Makes more sense why I see it so often now. 😝
LikeLike